Congratulations! You’ve decided to get married. And soon. Like, really soon. Maybe you thought “we won’t have a proper wedding. We’ll just do the registry office thing and head to the pub“. Trust me, I know how that goes – and how quickly it turns from ‘go to the pub’ to ‘have a real, actual, grown-up wedding’.
Wedding magazines and blogs will tell you that there’s a timeline you have to follow, and that timeline is 2 years long. Wrong! You can plan a wedding in four months flat. Here’s how that goes.
Change your wedding date four times while you try and find an available venue. Give up on telling your family each time you change it and make your peace with the fact that most people you invite won’t actually be able to come.
Forget to check that there’s no event happening (*cough*BrightonTattooConvention*cough*) that might mean the hotels are more booked up than usual. Realise when it’s too late and watch people fight to the death for the last remaining Airbnb.
Book a kickass photographer. Do a bit of a happy, relieved cry when you realised you’ve done all the big things within a week, which turns into sobbing when you realise how much else there is to do. Realise you said “shotgun wedding” when booking. Wonder if you should let her know you’re not actually pregnant.
Use the powers of Pinterest and RocknRoll Bride to plan out your entire wedding. Make snap decisions because YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO DILLY-DALLY, GODDAMNIT.
Think about wedding favours. Cake. Flowers. Best men and best women. Hotels. Hair. Suits. Vows. Dresses. Shoes. Cake. Guest books. Invites. Readings. Makeup. Rings. Photo booths. Music. Cake. Decorations. Games. Confetti. Food. Transport. Alcohol. Cake.
Visit venues. Find one straight away that means you can play death metal in a different room to where your grandparents will be. Book it immediately.
Wonder if you’ll ever know anything other than Pinterest again.
Realise you’ve made a grave, grave error by booking your ceremony for 11AM. The hairdresser and make-up artist will be arriving at 7.30AM on the wedding day. Fuck. That doesn’t even leave time for a nervous wedding morning poo.
Try on wedding dresses and flap about like a princess for a bit, before remembering you’re a dirty grunger. Choose the dress you originally came to see. SNAP DECISIONS.
Realise that your Facebook sweep to create your guest list probably wasn’t good enough. Add some more people that don’t have Facebook. (They exist! Honest!)
Wonder how you will entertain people for 13 hours. Start googling Mariachi bands. Decide on Jenga.
Become, suddenly, by necessity, exceptionally good at calligraphy.
Spend every evening doing something wedding-related after work. Sleep, eat, live and dream weddings.
Go and do the legal bit at your local registry office. Get a bit freaked out by how all grown up this is starting to become. Remember the halloween and Harry Potter photobooth you’ve booked and feel a bit better.
Make jam. And bunting.
Have THE BEST TIME deciding what to put on your menu. Fun fact: you probably won’t get to eat much of it on the day, so this step is depressingly pointless.
Deal very badly with anything that happens in your life. Almost have a nervous breakdown when next door’s scaffolding wipes out your bathroom plumbing in a storm and you don’t have a toilet for a week. Carry on wedding-ing and wee in a pot. Cry frequently.
Have a hen do. Or at least, have a spa weekend with your best friend and pretend it was a hen do because you don’t like drinking that much. Save face by telling everybody there were penis straws.
Realise that your wedding happens THIS MONTH and become extremely emotional at the smallest things.
Remember loads of things that you probably should have thought about months before, and make more SNAP DECISIONS.
Start annoying every supplier by emailing them to check everything’s all set for the big day. Try not to sound bridezilla (in the full knowledge that you absolutely do). Trust nobody to remember to do anything.
Laugh maniacally when your boss says “you’re handling this stress pretty well”. Cry in the toilets.
Spend much longer than you need to making a Azkaban prisoner sign for the photobooth because if you’re making Harry Potter props you are absolutely not a proper grownup.
Make incredibly detailed lists and do a dry run of packing up the car so you know everything fits.
Check the weather forecasts obsessively, even though you told yourself you wouldn’t care if it rains.
Spend absolutely no time sleeping. Think about everything that could go wrong, in great detail.
The night before the wedding
Stop caring about anything that could go wrong. Hug your partner tight. Drink up the love, sleep like a baby. <3
All photos by the kickass Lisa Jane Photography.
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