As Geordie Shore hits our screens for another series, and more of them enter other reality shows in a bid to get more people watching them having sex, I can’t help but wonder what on earth this bunch of Geordies are going to get up to once they get too old for this pulling and ‘tashing on’ malarkey.
Here’s a few alternative careers for them:
Gaz: Helper at a Sexual Health Clinic
The amount that Gaz puts it about, he’s definitely going to be all clued up on the latest STIs. Whether it’s making you itchy, smelly or gooey, Gaz will be able to give you a diagnosis without even taking a sample…although he’ll probably try and get one anyway.
Plus, it means you’d know he was clean himself, which is always nice to know when you’re sleeping with a guy who’s slept with most of Newcastle.
Chloe: Stunt Bum Double
If there’s one thing Chloe seems to like to do, it’s getting her bum out. She’s only been in the show a few years and I feel I’ve seen her backside more than Gaz and Charlotte have broken up, and that’s a lot.
But to be fair, I can’t blame her, she has a lovely bottom. So why not put that behind to good use and get her working as a bum double? Movie stars often require bum doubles when they do nude scenes, and I reckon Nicole Kidman or Natalie Portman would be honoured to have Chloe’s bum representing them.
Scotty T: PR
Scotty T genuinely seems to see himself as a brand. He speaks in the third person like he’s a company, he’s always banging on about how good he is at…well banging…and seems to be very good at selling himself to the ladies.
Which is why I can imagine Scotty T working in PR. If he could plug a company like he plugs his own body, then they’d be rolling in the money.
Sophie: Marketing (Specialising in Rebranding)
When Sophie initially left Geordie Shore, it was under rather horrible circumstances. She’d done something awful, so the producers took her out, and brought in her cousin Marnie instead.
Fast forward a few years later and Sophie is back in the house like nothing happened and everyone loves her again. She’s the master of rebranding.
If she worked with companies who have done something controversial or are close to closing, she’d do such a good job rebranding them that anyone would think she had that memory wipe thing from Men in Black.
Marty: Alternative Weatherman
If there’s one thing you think when you see Marty it’s, “what on earth is he putting in his hair to make it stand up like that”. He looks like he’s put his head through an open car window, made the driver drive 200mph and the end effect is his hair.
So, he could be an alternative weatherman. Whatever his hair ends up looking like is how windy it is, if he’s wet, it’s raining, and if he’s looking tanned it’s either sunny or he’s gone to get a fake tan again.
One of the well-behaved members of the Geordie Shore House (and given he’s fallen over in his own puke that’s saying something), Nathan doesn’t tend to get involved in the in-house fighting, avoids the in-house romances and doesn’t tend to destroy the furniture after a few too many jaegers. He tends to be fairly neutral, lending his arms for hugs and his ears for listening when he’s needed. And the amount of advice he’s had to give Chloe about Scotty T (usually along the lines, of “Stop it Chloe man”), he’s also got the patience of a saint.
So, with this caring nature and peaceful actions, he’d be an ideal counsellor. After all, he’s practically doing that already.
Aaron: Human Colouring Book
There’s a big market these days for colouring books for adults, but with the number of tattoos that Aaron has, he could bring in a whole new niche…human colouring books. He could hire himself out to be coloured in. He could make a fortune.
Marnie: Gossip Columnist
If Marnie isn’t spreading gossip (both on and off camera), she’s the subject of the latest tabloid gossip. Who’s she dating? Is she on drugs? Who’s she slagging off this time? Why do I even care anymore?
She has so much gossip on herself that if she was struggling for content, she could just write about her latest beef with a z list reality star or question the paternity of the latest reality star baby and people would lap it up.
Although she’s no longer in Geordie Shore, to do a post about the cast and not mention her just seems wrong. She was the best cast member there has been and will ever be, and one of the main reasons is because she didn’t take herself too seriously. She certainly knew how to make people laugh, and she provided some of the funniest moments on the show, including:
- The many, many, many times she wet herself
- The many many times she talked about pooing
- The time she punched a cake for no reason
- Her epic fancy dress costumes
- Her description of her vagina on a night out as “we’re hitting Scary Canary and I’ve got a hairy fairy”
Basically, I’d pay to see her do stand up, and don’t pretend you wouldn’t either.
Holly: Party Helper
Holly created most of the unnecessary arguments on the show, mainly when she was on/off again with Kyle. She’s the human equivalent of Eeyore if she’s unhappy, and the hulk when she’s mad. She’s a drama queen, so why not turn that into a business? She could come into house parties when you want everyone to go home and make them feel so uncomfortable that they leave. Thanks Holly!
What are your ideal jobs for the Geordie Shore Cast? Let us know in the comments! (And if you are getting stick for watching Trash TV, you should read our post about how awesome it is too!)
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